Please give opinions
This is a song that I plan to submit to my band director for performance when it's completed. I am looking for opinions and recommendations.
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but is a bit too repetitive for my taste (in the first part (5 to 15)...
My main problem is where the first trumpet stops in the coda. At the beginning of the coda, it's god a sort of non-rhythmic melody, but then for the rest of the piece, you're just playing chords. It'd be far more interesting if you kept up the trumpet one's melodic line and gave it a sort of flourish to hold a listener's attention that last fermata.
My main problem with this piece is with the incessant use of parallel 5ths between Trombone and Tuba.
This makes a very thick texture in the bass end of the ensemble.
From what I remember about Tubas, they are pitched an octave below the trombone (It's at least 20 years since I had any serious dealings with brass) and so I would recommend rewriting the Trombone part to be pitched an octave above the Tubas.
Maybe use your parallel 5ths at the end to increase the depth of tone?
In theory this should produce an induced tone an octave below the Tubas :)
HTH
Michael
In reply to My main problem with this by ChurchOrganist
Actually, a written E for a tuba is the same E on a trombone, just the tone is choked from the high pitch. Although I agree, reducing the amount of parallel fifths would help the composition.
In reply to My main problem with this by ChurchOrganist
Thank you, that was a very good suggestion, I am also posting here an updated version with the trumpet accelerando scrapped and replaced
In reply to Thank you by jpengland96
My suggestions regarding the revised version:
1. The beginning is too predictable. By the end of the second measure, the listener can start to guess (correctly) what the third and fourth measures will be like, and the listener may even start to lose interest accordingly. I think you want something more varied to catch and hold the listener's interest.
2. The long series of whole notes from the trombone and tuba starting in the fifth measure, while the trumpets and horn are playing quarter and eighth notes and the like, doesn't add much of interest to the piece. I'd suggest you find something more interesting for the trombone and tuba to do in these measures.
3. The trombone solo could be improved by giving it more rhythmic variety and weaving some additional notes around the existing ones.
4. The Adagio part with the two trumpets playing eighth notes, and nothing else going on but whole notes from the tuba, could be improved by giving the trombone and/or horn something to do without drawing too much attention away from the trumpets.
5. The parts I mentioned above, I think, could be made pretty good by adding some enhancements while keeping the basic structure. The same isn't true, I'm afraid, of the Andante part where the instruments mostly play four identical quarter notes, measure after measure, except for the trombone and tuba playing whole notes measure after measure, until the other instruments join in and play whole notes measure after measure. I do not think your listeners would be pleased to sit through this. I would suggest totally rewriting this part to give it more melody and rhythmic variety.
I hope you don't think my criticisms are too severe, but I think this piece could be quite good if you make some changes like the ones I've suggested, and I'd like to hear it again if you do!
In reply to My suggestions by pa_mcclamrock
Thank you and I don't find it too severe, you had many very good suggestions. I have a revised version here. The first suggestion was the only one I really couldn't find a way to really change because the nature of the piece is the building chord progression it is predictable. However from measures five forward I have completely rewritten the trombone and tuba parts to follow the rhythm of the others and have moving notes on trombone that octaves the trumpets. The trombone solo has notes that can't be heard via musescore because it doesn't support glissando's in the audio. It sounds less empty with the two glissando's in the first half. I wrote a dialogue background rhythm for the horn and trombone which fills the sound without being over bearing. The andante coda begins with the same five bars but then is very modified. Each phrase builds do the chords starting with 1/4 notes then a trumpet melody, then the horn playing sustained notes, etc. The second to last measure is the same dialogue that was between horns and trombone under the trumpet 1/8 notes but being shown up front by the trumpets.
LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I quite love it as well!
May be it's really a little bit repetitive, but just a little bit!
It's a great work, keep creating!
John Barret
In m. 30-32, you have the second trumpet playing a melody much higher than the first trumpet. You should try to avoid that if possible. It makes for much smoother voice leading to keep the first part higher than the second.